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K J Bennett: The Blog

Writing & Other Stuff

It's about me, writing, publishing and stuff

Unmanly!

Damn, that's tough Posted on Tue, May 17, 2011 23:33:18

I am not what I would call a ‘man’s man’; I don’t do all that ‘we’re all lads together, let’s get hopelessly drunk and celebrate our manliness’ stuff that others tend to do.

In my misspent youth I could have qualified for the Olympic Drinking Team, as others will attest, but these days I fall at the third pint hurdle. Probably the alcohol conflicts with the pain-killers I take daily for my wrecked spine. But even in my drinking days I was not the typical man.

Tonight I demonstrated my lack of male credential: we were in a pub in Bournemouth. The Cardiff vs Reading match was on and the Welsh chap with us was almost weeping at the sight of his team being slaughtered.I happened to say, “On fashion grounds alone, Cardiff should win.”

Every one looked at me like I was mad.

“Ah, come on,” I urged. “The Welsh are in blue and white, and Reading’s uniform is black shirt and red shorts. They look stupid.”

What was my mistake? What did everyone pick up on? Was it the fashion statement?

No.

Apparently, soccer teams don’t wear uniform, they wear a strip.

Did I mention that I don’t do football?



Doing Some Porridge

Damn, that's tough Posted on Tue, March 16, 2010 18:07:47

I am known for being direct and speaking my mind, even if my mind is somewhat deranged. But even I know when I’ve gone too far. The sad thing is, I only know it as I’m saying it, and the words just keep on coming. In recent years I’ve controlled this tendency, and have even developed an element of tact, but sometimes the brain gets carried away and the jaw won’t stop – like yesterday, in the canteen at work.

I swanned into the servery area at about half-nine and headed for the vat of porridge that can oft be found congealing in the self-service section. At the exact same time a rather attractive lady, wearing a tight black skirt, brown blouse, an artificial pearl necklace (no sniggers) and a decorative scarf approached the porridge vat from the opposite direction. She smiled sweetly, her lips curling at their corners, nudging her many freckles upwards.

“After you,” I said, feeling gallant, and noticing that her black stiletto boots made her appear taller than she really was – she must have been 5’2” in bare feet.

Her smile widened as she thanked me. She grabbed the ladle, pouring the rather gruel-like liquid into and over the side of a waxed paper beaker, thoughtfully supplied by our employer for porridge transportation.

“They could do with a smaller ladle,” she told me, wiping the slops away. I couldn’t place her accent.

“And thicker porridge,” I added.

“Oh, I like runny porridge. The real test, though, is whether you put sugar or salt on it.”

“Never salt,” I replied thinking that her prettiness did nothing to improve the banality of the conversation, and still trying to place that damned accent. It was kind of familiar.

“The mark of a true Scot is the amount of salt you put on it,” she said, proudly.

“Yeah, but the Scots have a high rate of heart disease. And I don’t.”

“Now that’s just cruel,” she yelled in her now familiar Scottish accent, as she stormed off.



I’m So Vain

Damn, that's tough Posted on Sat, February 27, 2010 12:02:47

More about this KJB-TV stuff …

I was all set to record the first clip for it: Friday 27 Feb was the night I chose. My wife was going out to a book club meeting, my daughter was destined to be in bed, and my son would be at a friend’s house. I’d be able to set up the digital video camera, with my book cases in the back ground, relax in the rocking chair, and read a segment of Pike’s Quest. That would give me the weekend to edit said video, convert it to Quicktime format, upload to the web and test it out in the test area. That was the theory.

It would have worked, too, except that a friend in need borrowed the video camera to film her daughter’s dance group in a performance. Then there was the slight matter of the boil. Yes THE BOIL. The one occupying my left cheek, just to the side of my nose.

It’s huge.

Red, with a yellow bit in the middle.

The reason for this site is to make me look like an attractive proposition to publishers. At the moment I look like an advert for a horror movie.

My day will come. Yes, it will.



Languages

Damn, that's tough Posted on Thu, February 18, 2010 19:54:48

That was spooky. just came to this page to find that the text for the fixed links (those for comments, password etc) had become some Germanic language, possibly Dutch. The settings I used for setting up were to respond to the laguage of the browser. Mine obiously changed nationalities over night.

I’ve set it to remain English, but we shall see.



Search engines

Damn, that's tough Posted on Wed, February 03, 2010 19:59:32

All this stuff is a mystery to me. I’ve registered with DMOZ and Google, but a man who should know tells me that my ratings won’t be high due to the java code in my pages. I’m supposed to save them as seperate pages and link to them.

Easy for him to say!